Day 60 - Wrap Star

Every year, I have a Utopian vision of Christmas Eve. Perhaps you have a similar one? It begins with a full night of wonderful sleep (wait - I have to catch my breath from laughing so hard), a delicious homemade breakfast whipped up from scratch, and a rousing rendition of "Welcome Christmas" (you know, the song the Whos sing in "How The Grinch Stole Christmas"?). We would get out the door and on the road to Oma and Opa's house on time, carolling all the way, and arrive for Christmas dinner bearing the fruits of my many hours toiling in the kitchen. After a festive dinner and a Very Meaningful Christmas Church Service, we would drink eggnog and hot chocolate as we helped Santa fill stockings and put presents under the tree. My little angel falls asleep as soon as I lay him in his manger crib and we all slumber peacefully until 6:00 10:30 the next morning when Sebastian wakes us with laughter and babbles that sound suspiciously like "I love you Mommy and Daddy! Thank you so much for clothing me and feeding me and diapering me and..." (you get the picture).

OK... Here's what really happens.

We wake up too early after going to bed too late. I put a piece of bread in the toaster, nuke the remainder of yesterday's coffee, and call it breakfast. Sebastian forages for crumbs in his highchair (not really, don't call CPS), and Marty eats a Pop Tart left over from his last tour. I catch myself singing Lady Gaga instead of Christmas carols, and we all get out the door two hours late. I am empty handed because I forgot to turn on the crockpot, but don't worry - we'll stop by the deli on the way and pick up a cheese platter. We spend the drive listening to the traffic report, trying to avoid the four+ hour delays on the Grand Central. We get to the deli, they're all out of cheese platters, so we buy Cheese Doodles and hope nobody notices. I skip church because Sebastian has eaten something that clearly disagrees with him and is making rude noises nearly non-stop. When everyone returns and we are putting presents under the tree, I realize I have forgotten to label any of my gifts. I tell people to just pick one and we'll sort it out later (this proves to be HILARIOUS the next morning when my father-in-law opens the king sized bottle of Jean Nate' I got for my cousin and pretends to be delighted). Sebastian wakes up nearly every hour on the hour, until at 5:30 I get up. Diaper blowout. The end.

OK, maybe that's not exactly what happened, but I did find myself mulling over the expectations I have about Christmas, and wondering if perhaps I'm missing the Bigger Picture. First and foremost, Christmas is a Christian religious holiday to celebrate the birth of Jesus - the Christ Mass, if you will. Over many years, a number of secular traditions crept in and transformed it into the season we know today (consult Wikipedia for a long and profoundly boring explanation of this). Somewhere along the line, between the tinsel and the gingerbread, our expectations of this time of year grew to Epic Proportions and we lost our collective minds. So, I'm aiming to find mine.

In the spirit of Cultivating my Eccentricities, I decided to make a few changes this year:

1 - I made the majority of my gifts instead of buying them Christmas Eve
2 - I wrapped all my gifts in pages pulled from old magazines and Trader Joe's grocery bags (turn them inside out and have the kids decorate them - it's actually really cool)
3 - I stopped trying to staple my halo to my head and decided to just be myself, warts and all (yes, even at my husband's Fabulously Functional Family Gathering)

And most importantly: People celebrate this time of year for many reasons and in many ways, but for me as a Christian, Jesus is the Reason for the Season. It's easy (a little too easy) for me to put the religious significance on the back burner (perhaps why so many countries separate the gift giving from the religious holiday?), but I'm going to do my best to put everything in it's proper perspective.

Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate it, and Happy Holidays to the rest! Warmest wishes for a season ripe with significance, family, and love. Gather lots of good stories and make lots of memories. And eat cookies.

Day 59 - The Desk Job

My desk is making me crazy. Right now, it's piled high with unwrapped Christmas gifts, random recipes I've torn out of magazines, empty chocolate wrappers (what? It's a health food now - has antioxidants), the knitted scarf project I've abandoned twelve times, you get the picture. TIME TO CLEAN.

1. Clear it off. Everything into the box my holiday English muffins (great gift!!!!!!!!!!!) came in. I'm tempted to just leave everything there, but no.

2. Take each thing out, one at a time, and either find a home for it or wrap it up and give it to some unsuspecting soul for Christmas. "Merry Christmas, here's a rubber band ball! I made it myself!"

3. Put back only what I love and use (gimme back my rubber band ball!).

The Twelve Days of Office Supplies

On the twelfth day of Christmas I cleared my desk of thee:

Twelve chocolate wrappers

Eleven ugly lipsticks

Ten plastic bags

Nine knitting needles

Eight perfume samples

Seven mismatched mittens

Six ketchup packets

Five pairs of Spanx!

Four yards of tulle

Three empty mugs

Two sequined tanks

And the Chinese takeout from last week!

Haaaaaaaaaappy desking everyone! 

Day 58 - Fabulous Weekly Wrap-Up

This week has pretty much revolved around getting me back online after the death of my dear laptop (RIP). But I did manage to have a few ( approx 2) moments of fleeting productivity.

1 - I finished my pared down Christmas shopping, most of it done at the grocery store. Hey - nothing says Merry Christmas like a bottle of Heinz and a jar of pickles! And homemade granola/bars.

2 - I gave up my dreams of becoming a Breck Girl and decided that, by twirl or by curl, I would make peace with my frizz-tastic halo.

Who knows what I'll find to work on this week? With all the paring down I've done, I've barely scratched the surface. Here's to a horse, buggy, and bonnet in 2011! Oh - and an edible loaf of bread.

Day 57 - A Hairy Situation

I was bald as a billiard until I was two years old; my mother was on the verge of buying me a baby wig when I finally – mercifully - sprouted a few strands of hair. From there, things progressed in the usual fashion until The Horrible Awkward Angst-Filled Ugly Years (otherwise known as puberty). I went to bed one night with reasonably straight and well behaved hair, and woke up with corkscrew curls zigzagging out of my head. Wasn’t it bad enough that I had pimples, braces, and a perpetual snarl on my face? Did I really deserve to be cursed with a ‘fro too?! Not knowing what to do with my new mop, I tried brushing it and soon looked like I had stuck my finger in an electrical socket, a la Bride of Frankenstein. People, it took me years to figure out how to work with my ringlets, years that left me psychologically scarred (I cower in a corner every time I see a bottle of Rave) and with many, many awesome pictures that now haunt me on Facebook. Curly girls, you know what I’m talking about!

I would love to tell you that I am over it and have totally made peace with my hair, but I would be lying. I recently spent an hour getting it professionally blown out, only to have it revert back to its wavy rebellion within the day. I’ve dyed it, highlighted it, permed it (yes, really – in the 80’s, they theorized it would give “direction” to my curls… it gave them direction alright, about 5 inches from my head in a spectacular, frizzy halo), straightened it, cut it, grown it, teased it, twirled it, and contemplated shaving it. What’s a girl to do? Simplify it, baby!

I recently read that you will always look best with your hair close to its natural state, and I think that’s probably true, with the exception of color. I always laugh when people see a picture of my mom and say, “oh – I see where you get your red hair from” – yeah, we use the same bottle. I love being a redhead, so I think I’m going to stick with my Nice n’ Easy #110 (buh bye highlights – toooooooooooooo much maintenance!). But the rest has got to go! This leaves us with:

-      A shoulder length cut (too long or too short = too much futzing)

-      Color at home once a month

-      Air dry and wear it curly, scrunch and go (style only for special occasions)

And there we go! Ellen St James, a simplicity writer, suggests that everyone has a wash and go cut that will look great on them, so it’s something to consider if you don’t want to spend a lot of time arranging the dead cells on your head. If this fails, I may just grow dreadlocks.  I could be Cool Dreadlock Mom, or I could be Mom with Dreads Who Is Trying Too Hard. It’s a fine line.

Day 56 - Bah, Humbug!

GUESS WHAT I'm typing this on? My new netbook! A teeny tiny little computer for my teeny tiny mind needs. Love! As soon as the Dear Hubby puts my photos and such up, I'll show you pics of our Charlie Brown Christmas tree and assorted festive things we've been doing. But in the meantime...

I've been making my list and checking it twice - so I can cross people off it. Now, please forgive me if I'm repeating myself, but I caught a bit of flack for my gift giving post , and may have come off as a bit of an ungrateful Scrooge. Scrooge? Perhaps, but not ungrateful, honest! Part of the difficulty in writing my musings is straddling that fine line between truth and tact, and to be fair, tact has never been my strong suit. What I meant to communicate was that it's awesome and fabulously kind when someone thinks of us and gets us a little something. Having said that, let's be honest here - how many people on your Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanza/Solstice/Generic Holiday list are you buying things for because you feel like you have to or should? How many of them do you know well enough to have an inkling of what they would like? This is my point. We so often buy out of obligation, allowing gift giving to burden our hearts and our pocketbooks. And what of the gift, now destined to become clutter? THINK ABOUT THE POOR GIFTS, PEOPLE! No more, I say, no more! Let us be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Dear Reader! So, I'm following Laura's Rules of Simplified Gift Giving this year:

1. If I don't know what someone would like, I will a) ask them or b) present them with a Clutter Free Gift.

2. Clutter Free Gifts for everyone I am "obligated" (read: would be really, really awkward if I didn't) buy for. Family pictures for scrapbooks ,gift cards, homemade baking mixes for banana/zucchini/super-healthy-raw-sprouted-algae breads (I'm making YOU the last one), purchased edibles, etc. It's also fun to let them pick their present - let them leaf through a book of sewing patterns, recipes, etc and choose what they like. Then you make it (uuuum, sure - I'll get right on that 45 layer crepe cake. But are you sure you wouldn't like tacos instead?).

3. Wherever possible, opt for a Memory or Experience Gift. A Memory Gift is a photo album, scrapbook, framed photo, etc. An Experience Gift is a night of free babysitting, a meal together, a day at the museum, etc. You know, all those things that your Tween or Teen will love. Heh heh.
And that's it! I don't care if you've been naughty or nice, I love you regardless. BUT. When you add up parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends of cousins, dentists, the guy who got rid of your bedbug infestation last year, your pen pal in Borneo, etc, OH MY GOSH THE CRAZY! Here are some things that we're giving this year:

ATTN GRANDPARENTS: IF YOU ARE READING THIS, STOP IMMEDIATELY OR SANTA WON'T BRING YOU ANYTHING BUT COAL!

www.Snapfish.com has great deals on photo books, mugs, mousepads, what-have-you. And it's really easy to use - score!
"The Enchanted Broccoli Forest" cookbook by Mollie Katzen has some awesome quickbread recipes (or just google some) that make for easy mixes to give. You can also look for simple recipes for homemade granola, etc.
Gift cards! Who doesn't like a Starbucks card? If you don't, what's wrong with you? Other great ones are fabric.com (for the sewing fanatic in your life - hint hint), iTunes, Sephora, you name it! Or just give good old fashioned cash - check out
http://www.stickitrightonthemoney.com/ for creative ways to give it.

Day 55 - Bread or Brick? You Decide!

Mmmmm, what's that heavenly smell wafting from my kitchen? Well, I can tell you what it's not. In the past week, I've suddenly gone all Sally Homemaker and decided that Baking Bread is something I simply have to do. In the past, I've tackled quickbreads, muffins, and the occasional bread machine loaf, but now I'm ready to graduate to the Real Thing. Except. I can't get the damned thing to rise. Now, I'm tempted to blame it on bad yeast (entirely possible since heaven only knows how long it's been sitting around in the grocery store), but what if it's not? What if I've finally met my match? What if I am somehow genetically unable to bake bread?!

Now, when this madcap idea of pounding dough and kneading loaves first occurred to me, I found myself having to answer two questions. Q: Why not use a bread machine? A: Easy. I gave mine away last year in a fit of purging. But, beyond that, I'm after more than just an edible loaf of bread. There's an alchemy to this baking business, something that goes beyond the finished product. Q: Isn't it simpler just to go buy bread from the store? A: Hmmmm. That depends on what definition of simplicity we're going to use today. There is the very literal "simple" meaning fast and easy. So yes, in that sense, a store-bought loaf would be simpler. But then there's the "essential simple", the simple that demands that we give up the fast, the hurry, the burdensome, and focus on the elemental, the humble, and the plain. Amish Simplicity. So, in this case, dough pounded by hand is the simpler option.

And now, for your viewing pleasure, a HILARIOUS look at attempt #3 - a "Rustic Italian Brick Bread"



Got mah ingredients together




Dead yeast?



Hmmmmmm.....

And the verdict? .....

It's a brick!

Day 54 - Pass the Tissues

My poor computer got a virus, and is NOT expected to recover. Now, to be fair, it lived a long and productive life, right down to the peanut butter and toast crumbs nestled in the keyboard, but this was its swan song. My husband worked feverishly through the night to recover essential files, but here's what's so unexpected: instead of a crushing sense of impending doom, I felt... relief? Yes, a little bit of relief! Once he had rescued the really important things - pictures, videos, music, and a very few documents, I had a Simplified Computer! You see, for weeks I've been trying to rid myself of extraneous files, random folders, etc only to be foiled by "what if...." . What if I need that alphabetized list of Superfoods? What if I can't find the names of the seventy five bodice-rippers I want to read next summer? And what about my recipe for lobster thermidore (yeah, right)? Turns out, much like physical clutter, e-clutter weighs you down. I'm waiting for my new computer, and have resolved not to clutter it up. Much. Tomorrow, I'll be sure to tell you all about the Great and Epic Bread Saga!

Day 53 - The Holidaze

OK - raise your hand if you have an entire room dedicated to storing your holiday decorations. OK - you and you can leave, this post is clearly not for you. Now, you can't see me, but my hand is definitely not raised - we only have four rooms, so my decorations get approximately half a shelf in my husband's disaster area tool closet. Now, I come from a family who loooooooves decorating. Correction - my mother loves decorating. She has a banner for every season, garlands for every holiday, and at least three outfits for the goose. "The what?", you ask The goose. Many moons ago, my grandmother, for reasons known only to her, gave my mother a huge plastic goose that came with outfits (Santa, Easter Bunny, and a cow outfit - if you figure this one out, call me). In any case, it's just not a holiday unless the goose is correctly attired.

In any case, the birth of my child seems to have triggered the Seasonal Decorating Gene (and the Drink Lots of Eggnog Gene), and I find myself suddenly longing for wreaths on the door, tinsel icing the tree, and hundreds of ornaments for Sebastian to break. BUT. I cannot. I must not. I should be am committed! Here are my new guidelines:

- feature things that die so you don't have to store them (a centerpiece of pomegranates and green pears for example, or fall leaves taped to the window)
- keep what means the most (the Charlie Brown Christmas tree you've had since college, the lopsided angel ornament your niece knitted you out of old Barbie clothes, etc.)
- think thin and get creative (use up your fabric scraps to make seasonal wall hangings that store flat, table runners, etc.)
- set the stage with music. Face it - you can only really get away with Christmas carols for one month, so put that playlist on repeat and listen to "Santa Baby" until your ears bleed!

This is what I did for November:

Fancy leaves taped right on the window. Classy.



Tallulah the Turkey (sewn from my scrap bag)



I'll be sure to post pics when I've got the December stuff up. I figure I'll just lob some cranberries and a pine cone in a bowl and call it a day. Tomorrow, I'll tell you about today's adventures in bread baking. Hint: I haven't managed an edible loaf yet!

Day 52 - Simple Spa Catastrophes

We're baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! We had an amazing time - buffets, swimming pools, and mile upon mile of gorgeous ocean. Here's my favorite story for you:

Marty had a day off, so he banished me to the spa for a couple of hours while he watched Little Lord Sebastian (who was feeling his oats thanks to unlimited trips to the previously mentioned buffets). I go down and, while I'm deciding what overpriced goo I want slathered onto my face, I'm accosted by the "medi-spa" team who proceeds to offer me Botox and collagen injections. Presumably because I need it. While I was still seething with righteous indignation, I was escorted down to the Thermal Suite - an amazing room with heated chairs, tropical rain showers, a dry sauna, and two aromatherapy steam rooms. In other words, heaven. After lounging blissfully on a heated chair for awhile, I figured I'd try out the Tropical Rain Shower. I go in, turn on the water (a delightful cascade from the faucet above), and see a button labeled "Tropical Mist". Sounds lovely, right? I press it, and at least eight water jets shoot out of the wall and nearly blast me out of the stall. I almost drowned as I tried to figure out how to turn them off! Oh, Dear Reader, how I wish you could have witnessed the hilarity of this moment! I'll leave you with this image, and we'll jump back into the grind tomorrow - simplifying holiday decorating. Get your tinsel ready!