Day 80 - Childproofing in the Age of Catastrophe

I have birthed a mountain goat. Funny - he looked like a little boy when I brought him home, but I was clearly mistaken. The metamorphosis started a few months ago when I spied tiny horns peeking out from beneath the two wisps of hair on his forehead. Uh-oh I thought - I'm in for trouble. Sure enough, within weeks his favorite word was NO!!!!! and favorite pastimes became playing in the toilet and endless rounds of Let's-Make-Mommy-Crazy - The Classic Version. Soon, when he didn't get his way, he began stomping his hooves and bleating (bleating, screeching, same difference) very very loudly, to make the neighbors think I was running a medieval torture chamber out of our living room. And now, in the final stage of his transformation: he climbs. On the bookcase. On the table. On the couch. On the desk. On the windowsill. On the changing table. Need I go on? I came in the other day to find him perched quite happily on top of my crafting box about eight feet off the ground, and I have no idea how he got there.There is nothing this child cannot scale, and, while I'm kind of awed by it, I would also like to avoid multiple trips to the emergency room.

I've gotten a lot of advice about this, mainly the "pad your whole apartment" variety, but I refuse to live in Romper Room, people. So here are some thoughts of my own:

- this is a phase. Like any other phase, it won't last forever, and kids do learn to obey "no" eventually (unless you've decided not to ever tell your children NO, in which case I strongly recommend that you pad your whole apartment, get a good therapist, and buy stock in pharmaceuticals)
- consistency counts - there are places he's allowed to climb (the couch) and places he is not (the bookcase or the chandelier)
- closing doors works wonders for keeping kids out of rooms when you don't want to have to hover over them
- creatively rearranging your furniture solves a host of climbing problems. So what if your lamp is balanced "Cat in the Hat" style on two vases and a laundry basket? Priorities, people.

I'll chat more about this in the coming weeks, but I'm really getting sick of Every-Accident-Is-Preventable thinking - the idea that if you don't shell out for $500 worth of childproofing materials, your child will no doubt be maimed! poisoned! decapitated! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! The childproofing checklists boggle the mind! There's a great book & blog on exactly this kind of Worst First thinking - "FreeRange Kids", check it out. Now, I'm not saying to leave gallons of Draino on the coffee table or your chainsaw in the hallway - common sense must prevail. But our nod to simplicity in the matter of childproofing is this;

- all serious dangers have to be addressed (poisons, knives, gremlins, etc)
- childproof for the child you have (you may not have a climber or a toilet diver)
- buy what you need to keep yourself sane - it's not just for their safety, your mental health counts too

These are my thoughts (such as they are) for now, and who knows - maybe I'll be swaddling Sebastian in bubble wrap and duct tape in a month. But for now, my mountain goat and I are gonna fight the machine.