Day 98 - How is the Weather in New Delhi?

I've been reading a lot lately about outsourcing your life. Well, not the good parts - the stuff you hate (why oh WHY can't we make this work with exercise?). Everything is fair game - from hiring folks to dust your knick-knacks and scrub your toilet, to having a virtual personal assistant from India research the best prices on walnuts; you can outsource just about ANYTHING. To get an idea of how far this can go, here's a great article by A.J. Jacobs, who took this to his usual hilarious extremes.

So, what do I want to outsource? Brace yourselves, Bad Mommy Confession coming up: I outsourced taking my son to the park. I KNOW! Bad Mommy! But I have to tell you - I absolutely loathe the park. The hovering and the screaming kids and the sunscreen and I JUST HATE IT. Now, if you have your Judgy-McJudge-erton hat on, you can kiss my luminous white behind take a moment to simmer down now. Because I will get all in your face (oooh - look out! She's throwin' attitude like she from Brooklyn!). I found a lovely college student who takes him to the park three days a week and it just may be the best money we've ever spent. Keep in mind that I make Marty do park duty when he's home, it's just when I'm pretending to be a single mommy that I pay someone to take my child away.

I love this whole idea of outsourcing! It's got me thinking about what else I could pay other people to do. Does ordering takeout count as "hiring a chef"? Perhaps it's a stretch, but when business is brisk and Mama's holding down the fort solo, I may "aspire to hire" a little extra help. Besides, it keeps those teenagers out of trouble and builds character! If you're a woman who does it all, God bless you. I don't want to hear about it.

Day 97 - Hell's Kitchen

Did you know that, in an attempt to gentrify the area, NYC real estate folks renamed Hell's Kitchen "Clinton"? Yes, Clinton. Ridiculous. HK got it's name from days gone by when it was so crime-ridden (by men with names the like "Owney Madden" and "Bully Morrison") that the cops didn't dare venture in unless in groups of two or three. It was "hot" with murderers, gangs, and thugs, and it's rumored that, one night, a cop proclaimed the area hotter than Hell, to which his partner replied, "No sir, that there is Hell's Kitchen". Ba-BOOM! That's how Hell's Kitchen got it's name.

I am trapped in Hell's Kitchen as we speak - not the neighborhood, but my actual kitchen, which is reaching temperatures of 1000+ degrees. I face this dilemma every year when summer rolls around: cook and roast (or turn on the $$$$$$$ AC) or eat a tub of ice cream for dinner every night. Sebastian votes for ice cream, but I have to set a Good Example, so Chunky Monkey is out. Until he's in bed. My new goal? No cooking. Well, to be fair, no cooking with the stove. The microwave is fair game (great for steaming and re-heating, but not so great for Cooking cooking). I figure with a little creativity, I should be able to off the oven for two months without having to eat salad for every meal. Cause that's so much fun.

I have my summertime standbys like gazpacho, smoothies, Cherry Garcia, and takeout (shut up, don't judge me), but to survive two months, I'm gonna need to call in the big guns. I found some great recipes at delish.com and Epicurious, and I shook two inches of dust off a raw cookbook that was shoved to the back of a cabinet - that oughta be good for something (sigh - something with SPROUTS and some sort of Asian algae). What about you? Share the no-cook love!!! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with some Half Baked and a spoon - aaaaaaaaw yeah, it's Mama Time.

Day 96 - Get Off Yer Duff - Exercise Revisited

Sigh.... it's almost time to Make The Exercise Happen. If I put the amount of energy I spend groaning and procrastinating into the actual exercising, I'd be all perky and fit like Denise Austin (seriously - watch that whole link - you'll get an ab workout just by guffawing). As I've mentioned previously, I do not like the whole heaving-sweaty-bouncing-exertion part of exercise, but I DO love the results. Sad fact is, unless you're moving your tush vigorously for at least 30  minutes a day (or have a strenuous job like constructionn worker or stripper ballerina), you are categorized as having a sedentary lifestyle, which brings with it a whole host of Bad Things. True - it doesn't matter if you're going to Zumba or very actively stalking Ian Somerhalder your hottie husband, you gotta werk yer bod. Again, sigh.

Ian Somerhalder = healthy and very motivating

It's tough for me to actively stalk or work construction, and I'm certainly not going to pay someone $10 an hour to watch my child so I can go torture myself, so I did the unthinkable: I bought a jogging stroller. It was cheap on eBay, and here's why: it's a BOAT. This thing is huge (though it does fold down nicely), but it does have shocks for days, and Sebastian really gets a kick out of it as we go racing through the park at "top speed". I love seeing the Orthodox Jewish women in their long skirts and shirts jogging along or zooming by on roller-blades (that's the best), or the Pakistani ladies in full salwar kameez huffing and puffing with their hand weights. I love New York!

So, while it might seem to run counter to my experiment in simplicity, it's not just about seeing how much stuff I can live without. It's about living and consuming deliberately. This works because it gets Sebastian and I out of the house and into the park with TREES and BIRDS and NATURE (all good!), and gets my butt in gear (also good). Plus (and perhaps most importantly), it keeps him from making Mommy crazy with the whining and the whining and the WHINING. Your mission? Find some fitness-y thing that you enjoy and work it into almost every day, 'cause as my Auntie says, "If your body breaks down, where are you going to live?" True dat, peeps, true dat.

Day 95 - Is This The Party to Whom I Am Speaking?

I remember, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back in the Olden Days before cell phones, attending third grade and being taught as a class how to use a pay phone. We were all sent to school with a dime (yes, you read that right) taped to a little card with our parent's phone number on it. One at a time, we marched up to the pay phone, stood on a chair, plunked in our dime, and had a conversation that went something like this:

"Hello?"
"Hi Mommy! I'm on the phone!"
"Yes dear, I can hear that! OK - I'll see you when you get home!"
"OK! And can we have hot dogs for dinner tonight?"
"Yes. Bye bye!"
"OK! And beef-a-roni?"
"YES! OK, time to go!"
"OK! And fudgesicles for dessert?"
....click.....

I don't know why I was surprised that Sebastian picked up a highlighter a few weeks ago, placed it against his cheek, and said, "Hello?" Oh yes, it was superty cute. But what's NOT superty cute? How many times my phone has rung this morning for Silly Things. BUT, Dear Reader, I have learned a thing or two in my many moons upon this earth, and I will share both of them with you now (and this is all I got, so don't ask any questions).

1. If you can't talk right now (you're up to your elbows in a stinky diaper, you're cooking hot dogs and beef-a-roni, you're trying to pry a Toddler off your leg so you can walk, etc.), don't answer the phone. Just let it go to voice mail.

2. If you don't know who's calling, there's no law that says you have to answer. Just let it go to voice mail. Are you seeing a theme here?

When did we become available 24 hours a day? My new rules: I have "office hours" between 8-6. If you want to talk to me about business, do it then - not when I'm getting ready for bed. The phone goes off at 10:00, and back on at 8:00 am. I'm checking voice mail & returning calls twice a day - pretend I'm out in the fields or banging my laundry against a rock or something. And that's how I'm stopping the insanity.

Just a side note, are you still using your land line? If you're not, consider cancelling it and using only your cell phone - you'll save a bunch. Just a thought. Speaking of potty training (oh - we weren't? My bad.), we're about to embark on The Great Potty Training Adventure soon. This oughta be great.

Day 94 - Our LA-LA Land Adventure

I have a theory. I believe that you are either an LA person or a New York person, but you can't be both (feel free to disagree, but you're wrong). Me? I'm a die-hard New York girl - the grit, the attitude, the rhythm, all just feel like a comfy pair of shoes that you jump into at the end of a long day (and then go out dancing in until dawn, leaving them on as you collapse into bed for an hour before you have to get up). My only great love(s) in LA are my brother in law and his awesome wife & my superty awesome nephews - totally worth the trip.

Sebastian and I made the pilgrimage to to LA to see Marty before the Britney tour officially kicks off, which got me thinking about Simple Adventuring. I'll be writing about Plane Travel with Toddlers as soon as the violent spasms and tremors have stopped and the trauma has worn off enough for me to talk about it. But here we are in LA with hubby chained to his lighting console for much of the trip. What to do what to do?

Today, young S and I wandered down to Venice Beach where a little girl named Malia buried his toes in the sand. No pics of her, but here's Sebastian looking pensive.

We walked to the Venice Beach Boardwalk, which is kind of like the Canal Street of Los Angeles. It's listed as one of the top things to see in Venice (hang on - my eyes are rolling so hard it's difficult to focus & I'm scared they may get stuck), so please let me paint this picture for you. Imagine if you will stall after stall of "medical marijuana" dealers (when I first got there I did a double take at the big pot leaf business cards). Get your wacky-tobacky "evaluation" for $40 and walk out with some premium product. Note to California - you might as well just legalize it across the board - medical marijuana loophole = EPIC FAIL). Bob Marley blasting from the speakers, tattoo/piercing shops, fried food, day-glo spraypaint art. Here are some pictures, go turn on some Jamaican tunes so you can get the full effect:

Thank goodness I don't have to make an appt!

Muscle Beach

The one thing that would have me coming down here every day if I lived in LA is Schulzies Bread Pudding & Coffee. I have a real soft spot for luscious, moist, gooey bread pudding, and this was sublime. I thought I would try the Earl Grey flavor, but was convinced by the awesome folks at Schulzies to try some sort of double chocolate concoction that was absolute heaven on earth. If you're ever in the area, this spot is not to be missed.

We walked by the canals (yes, Venice CA has canals too!) which were lovely. See?

So, here are my thoughts on Successful Simple Travel. Apply and repeat as needed.
1. Do what you WANT to do, not what you think you OUGHT to do. If you are more of a white water rafting person and not so much of a museum person, don't go to the museum. Go white water rafting.
2. Walk whenever possible - you're more likely to find hidden treasures and grottos and pot dealers bread pudding stands if you're on foot. Plus you can walk off some of that deliciousness. BONUS!
3. Plan some time to get lost, explore, or just sit and stare off into space at a cafe (after you've had your "medical kush evaluation" perhaps?). There's a lot to be said for planning, but make sure there's plenty of flex time built in for trashy novels, an impromptu henna tattoo of some Chinese symbol the guy says means "luck and wealth" but you suspect means something very different, and assorted culinary adventures of the gelato kind.
4. With the exception of your bathing suit and that light-up negligee you bought for your honeymoon, if you don't use it at home, you won't use it on vacation. Leave it.
5. That 85 lb stone replica of an Easter Island head will not look nearly as awesome in your living room as it does in the shop. Do yourself a favor and think twice before you buy.
6. You do not need to buy souvenirs for people. No, you don't. Really. They throw them out when you're not looking, Send them a postcard if you must, but unless you KNOW someone simply MUST have a snow globe from Hawaii, skip it.

We'll see what the flight home brings - should be some good fodder. Tune in......

Day 93 - Upcycle It, Baby!

This morning, Sebastian found a cardboard box destined for the trash and made it his own personal subway tunnel. He then proceeded to eat a corner of it before I could stop him (there's gotta be a lot of fiber in cardboard, right?). Got me thinking about how one person's trash is anothers treasure! Or snack...

For those of you not familiar with the term, "upcycling" is basically taking something that is destined for the trash pile and turning it into something better and useful: Styrofoam into park benches, plastic bottles into fleece fabric, your husband's penny collection into fashionable jewelry you sell on Etsy while he's out on tour(don't read that last part, Marty).

What do you do with your hubby's old under-britches? Turn them into shorts for your ankle-biter, of course! Cha-ching! Now Sebastian has a full wardrobe of awesome (if unconventional) shorts for summer, and I didn't have to shell out a dime.

Some of them are reversible!



This of course got me thinking about what else I could work with, so I rummaged around and found a few projects:

- I'm going through a little steampunk phase (I go thru lots of phases, don't be alarmed), so I grabbed some old pants & jewelry destined for FreeCycle and I'm gonna make me some fancy clothes like this:

What can I tell you? Sometimes you just have to
let that freaky flag fly.

That's all I've found for the moment - what ideas do you have? Coffee can planters? Shredded paper as couch cushion stuffing? Tell me tell me - I wanna know! What do you do to make drabulous into fabulous? Trash into cash? Crappy into snappy? Perhaps I should quit while I'm ahead...
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